A Bedtime Story from Uncle Steve

All tucked in dere? Okay, tonight I’ll tell ya da story of Goldylocks and da Tree Bears. Tree. Yeah, Tree. Wun, Two, Tree. Got it? All right den.

Once upon a time dere were Tree Bears; a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear and a Baby Bear. Papa Bear liked to drink and would yell at Baby Bear dat he was an accident. When he would say dat, Baby Bear would cry and Mama Bear would slug Papa Bear. But he didn’t really mean it and mosta da time dey all got along just fine.

Every morning after making breakfast, da Bears would go for a walk. Papa Bear needed da exercise to work off his beer gut. Baby Bear needed the exercise ‘cause he had the childhood obesity from too much sittin’ ‘round playing video games and such. Mama Bear didn’t need the exercise so much but she knew if she didn’t go with ‘em that they wouldn’t actually go for the walk, they’d just get outta sight of the house, sit down and come back in a half-hour. So, off dey went.

While dey was gone, Goldylocks stumbled upon dere house. She wus out camping with a bunch of her friends and wus lookin’ for the bathroom. She’s onea dem gals that just can’t ‘go’ in the middle of the forest ‘cause she’s scared that a bug or an animal are gonna crawl into her nether regions while she’s takin’ care of business. Why woulda bug or an animal head upstream is what I don’t understand.

Now Goldy is onea dem broads that drinks so much that she passes out at parties and guys take advantage of the situation. She’s simple, got blond hair and a big rack so she attracts attention. At eight in the morning, she’s still drunk, that’s how drunk she gets. When she stumbles on the Bears house, she mistakes it for a Ranger station and in she goes.

Once da pressure is off, she realizes she’s hungry. She sees the Bears porridge sitting there cooling and heads for it. She tries Papa Bear’s porridge but he likes it with Tabasco sauce and it was too hot for her. She tries Mama Bear’s porridge but Mama Bear has a canker sore that the heat bothers so her’s was ice cold from the ice cubes in it so that was no good either. Baby Bear’s porridge had cooled off just right and she ate it up.

Now dat she ate, she got tired again and headed for the bedroom. Papa Bear’s bed was no good ‘cause he’s got a rock hard mattress ‘cause of the support he needs for his bad back. Mama Bear’s bed was all filled with pillows and junk so that was no good. She fell into Baby Bear’s bed and wus soon fast asleep.

Dat’s when da Bears come home. They walk in and immediately see da dere house has been invaded; dere’s toilet paper dragged from the bathroom to da kitchen, the breakfast is all messed up and dere’s a trail of knocked over furniture dat leads to the bedroom. When dey get dere, Goldy is still fast asleep. Baby Bear’s been crying dis ‘hole time ‘cause he’s scared and Mama Bear’s is all worked up ‘cause Baby Bear’s crying and Papa Bear’s mad ‘cause of all dis yelling. So he climbs up on the bed, bones Goldy to death and den dey eat her.

Da Moral of the Story is: If you drink so much dat you wander away from your friends dat are looking out for you, you might get screwed up so bad dat you die.

Night kids. I gotta cold Pabst waitin’ for me downstairs.

Won't Somebody Think of the Children?

I went to Best Buy yesterday and, as it's been awhile since my last visit to Best Buy, I found a number of things that interested me that got purchased. I got carded buying a video game.

That was weird. I don't believe I've ever been carded for a video game before. I didn't see the display on the register to see what question it asked the employee (it looked like something along the lines of 'does the customer look...' moreso than 'is the customer...'). I don't believe I look too young to purchase a M rated game (17 or older).

I'm not disappointed in the employee or the company for having this in place. The employee was very friendly and I have no problem showing my ID to prove I'm the old man that I am. If this is the price I have to pay in order for people who have NO clue about video games to feel safe that 'mature' games are been kept away from children, I can handle that.

So, if that's the case, why didn't I get carded for the R rated movies I bought? The register said nothing about those. In theory, if I was a 16 year old trying to get into a R rated movie in the theatre, I would be carded and prevented entry (in theory anyway). Why was I carded for a video game and not a movie with the 'same' rating? There are thousands of R rated movies with all sorts of 'adult concepts' in them and a relative handful of M rated video games. So, why the difference?

Video games are more interactive? It's one thing to see these things on a screen but another to 'participate' in them. I don't think the difference is that significant. I could be wrong but, going back to the comparison between movies and games, the greater percentage of movies must create a larger influence.

Is it because that 'video games are for kids'? Just like comic books are for kids, huh?

Like kids can afford comic books... what hooey...

Rules/Lessons from the water park:

1) If you are a female and can be in any way referred to as attractive, you will get looked at/admired/leered at in the water park, no matter how demure your swimming costume. Even men who normally would be very respectful of a lady, or would at least try to be subtle about ‘checking out’ a female, will lose that restraint at a water park. There is too much flesh on display. It can’t be helped; it’s instinct.
2) Put on sunblock. Then put on more sunblock. If you are swimming all day, refresh the sunblock as the day goes on. Not doing this can lead to sunburn. It did for me at least.
3) If you are a female and are in any way could be referred to as attractive and choose to wear a two piece bathing suit, you will get looked at by men. Again, it’s a flesh thing; if you show that much of it, the eyes will come.
4) While I lack a strong level of physical fitness, I am not grotesquely overweight. If I stand up straight I can almost pass as merely pudgy as opposed to having a beer gut. I’m sure the sight of my pasty belly doesn’t draw the ladies but I don’t think it’s overly off-putting either. Men really only have the option of trunks. If the gut is big enough, wear a shirt. I saw many that took this option during my trip. Saves on the sunblock as well.
5) If you are a female that has reached a certain age or weight or … sagginess, do not wear a two piece bathing suit. You’ll still draw the eye but not in a good way. A mother and daughter wearing matching bikinis is a dangerous thing, especially if the daughter is of a legal age. It’s less cute at that point and more asking for trouble. Think first. Consider what people might think about your choice of outfit. If you decide you don’t care what people think, you cannot be offended when they think it. Or stare.
6) There is no rule 6!
7) If you decide to wear an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini, people should be allowed to sing at you.

Checking in

Let's see: Had nothing simple to say for a bit. Been on vacation a bit. Been recovering from said vacation since. Am now swarthy, sunburned and in my glasses. Hopefully most of that will be switching back to normal soon. I don't mind the swarthy so much.

Yesterday I was at a wedding and then over to the East Side to catch up with friends, one of which I hadn't seen since his dad's funeral this past winter. I'm glad I did. For one, because it was fun, and also because I hate having a layer of friends that I only see when something good (wedding) or bad (funeral) happens. This was just hanging out and the request came at the perfect time as opposed to days where I'm triple booked. How can I have nothing to do for a stretch and then, suddenly, everyone wakes up one morning looking for me? Instant popularity. Weird.

Transformers - thumbs up
Simpsons - thumbs up

More reviews to come. I found a batch of old DVD reviews I did before this blog was even a thought and I might repurpose them here. I haven't checked to see if they still amuse in any way yet.

Eitherway, I haven't forgotten about you. More to come.