There was a pause.
She was unable to understand the pause. It seemed to be lasting forever but part of her brain argued that only seconds had passed since her statement. Still he did not speak, had no response for her. How long did it take to think of saying “Me too?” His eyes had widened in surprise and his jaw had loosened, his mouth remained closed but his jaw had definitely dropped as part of his surprised, but yet he had no verbal response for her. Why not?
Finally his lips moved. They twitched, he moistened them and then managed to speak. “No you don’t.”
She shook as if slapped across the face. “How… how can you say that?” Janie questioned. Tears escaped her, threatening to make the dance floor a slip hazard. Her knees grew weak; were it not for his physical support, she may well have collapsed.
His mask of calm returned to his expression. “My apologies, I did not express myself as clearly as I normally strive to do. The emotion you are experiencing is not romantic in nature but is a reaction, a sign of appreciation for the small part I have been able to play in your recovery. I have been able to provide you with a level of stability and you feel that my continued presence will only increase your stability. I must inform you that this is not the case. There are others that also need my assistance and, at some point, I will have to depart you in order to assist them. Does that clarify my earlier statement?”
They continued dancing. Janie stared ahead blankly at his collar, trying to stem the flow of her tears. His words felt so meaningless. Quietly at first, but with increasing strength, she found words. “How? How do you know how I feel? When have you ever asked me what I feel? I thought I understood how you felt for me. Even when you were being strict with me when I wouldn’t be strict with myself, I always felt an underlying kindness. You did everything I asked to help me and would never let me further harm myself.” Expressing this drained her. She attempted to lean in, rest herself on her shoulder to regain strength but he held her upright, supporting her in this regard but denying her the comfort of further contact. This resistance further confused her. “How can you tell me that you don’t love me?”
He stopped their dancing. Gently, he cupped her chin in his hand and directed her gaze upward to meet his own. “This is what you feel?” he inquired. She smiled a watery smile at him. Further words failing her, she nodded, shaking loose trapped tears. His voice was still calm but had an added gentleness when he spoke again. “If that is the case, then I am afraid I must tender my resignation from your employ.”
He released her chin which allowed it to droop in shock. A thought occurred through her haze of confusion. “Are you quitting because you couldn’t date an employer?”
“While I do indeed feel that way, it is not my motivation in leaving your service.” He stepped back so that he could bow slightly to her. “Goodbye.” With that completed, he walked away.
Janie watched as he strode away, her heart begging him to stop and walk back to her. He did not. As he disappeared into the crowd, she lost sight of him. She tried to call after him but her voice betrayed her, emitting as a whisper rather than a shout. “No, please, don’t go.” There was no way from him to hear her over the music and his lack of return seemed to prove that he had not heard her emotion filled whisper. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you have no feelings at all.”
26 June 2007
Disillusionment
Well, what a difference a few hours makes.
The early coroner's reports are pointing to Benoit killing his wife and son before hanging himself.
I should have better words for this. All I have is shock and disappointment. There may be a 'reason' for this but I cannot see one that makes sense of this.
I won't take down last night's post as it was written in good faith, before the details were known, and is a snapshot of my feelings at that moment.
Right now I'm just mad that I wasted tears on him.
Later.
The early coroner's reports are pointing to Benoit killing his wife and son before hanging himself.
I should have better words for this. All I have is shock and disappointment. There may be a 'reason' for this but I cannot see one that makes sense of this.
I won't take down last night's post as it was written in good faith, before the details were known, and is a snapshot of my feelings at that moment.
Right now I'm just mad that I wasted tears on him.
Later.
25 June 2007
Thumb Across the Throat
No matter what your interest is, there are performers that are your favourite. More often than not, they are people you’ll never meet in real life but you read their work, listen to their music, watch them act or whatever it is they do on a regular basis. You’re a fan. You feel a connection to these people that, really, you don’t know. At the same time, you do know them but you don’t. What happens to them in real life shouldn’t matter to you that much. Sometimes it does.
Chris Benoit, his wife and one of their young sons is dead. Chris had just turned 40 about a month ago. I can’t ever remember meeting him. I know I had the opportunity to cheer him in person more than once. I even have a faint memory of being excited to see him perform live the first time. When was that? A WCW house show in 1997, 1998? Can’t remember. It’s probably not important.
Benoit was one of the performers I became specially fond of when my interest in wrestling revived in the mid-90’s. He was one of a crew of relatively smaller sized performers that displayed a unique talent in the ring. They were truly fascinating to watch and many still are: Rey Mysterio Jr, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho and I would be remiss if I didn’t include the Chairman, La Parka. Rey’s half a step away from crippled, Jericho is currently retired, Parka’s still wrestling in Mexico, Eddie died a couple years ago and now Benoit’s gone.
When Eddie died it was a surprise and yet it wasn’t. Eddie had a history of problems and injuries. While he’d been good for so long, it wasn’t that much of a surprise to have it catch up with him. Benoit didn’t really have that history. He had neck problems but what little information there is currently doesn’t point to his passing being related to his wrestling history and the injuries that accumulate from that.
Chris wasn’t a flashy wrestler. He didn’t talk well. He was hard nosed, technically minded and just gave off this feeling that he had no quit in him. His first nickname was the Crippler, earned after ‘breaking’ Sabu’s neck. Being Canadian he was later called the Wolverine, a name I could certainly get behind from my comic book perspective. He was a member of the Four Horsemen for years. He was a guy that I always thought should succeed based on his skill and was afraid he never would. A few years ago, at Wrestlemania XX, we all cheered as he won the Heavyweight Title. Eddie Guerrero, also a champion at the time, came out to celebrate with him. For a moment, all was right with the world.
Tonight’s RAW is the first I’ve watched since, well, since Eddie died. It’s all about Benoit, moments from his career, his friends speaking well of him and it fills me with joy and sadness all at the same time. A few matches ago I verbalized a Benoit cheer and it almost made me cry.
Chest chops. The Diving Headbutt. The Sharpshooter. The Thumb across the Throat taunt. The Crippler Crossface finisher.
Like I said, I remember met Chris Benoit. I can’t claim to have spent time with him or called him family or any of the things that would make his passing that much more real. I am a fan of his. And I miss him already.
Rest in peace Chris Benoit.
Chris Benoit, his wife and one of their young sons is dead. Chris had just turned 40 about a month ago. I can’t ever remember meeting him. I know I had the opportunity to cheer him in person more than once. I even have a faint memory of being excited to see him perform live the first time. When was that? A WCW house show in 1997, 1998? Can’t remember. It’s probably not important.
Benoit was one of the performers I became specially fond of when my interest in wrestling revived in the mid-90’s. He was one of a crew of relatively smaller sized performers that displayed a unique talent in the ring. They were truly fascinating to watch and many still are: Rey Mysterio Jr, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho and I would be remiss if I didn’t include the Chairman, La Parka. Rey’s half a step away from crippled, Jericho is currently retired, Parka’s still wrestling in Mexico, Eddie died a couple years ago and now Benoit’s gone.
When Eddie died it was a surprise and yet it wasn’t. Eddie had a history of problems and injuries. While he’d been good for so long, it wasn’t that much of a surprise to have it catch up with him. Benoit didn’t really have that history. He had neck problems but what little information there is currently doesn’t point to his passing being related to his wrestling history and the injuries that accumulate from that.
Chris wasn’t a flashy wrestler. He didn’t talk well. He was hard nosed, technically minded and just gave off this feeling that he had no quit in him. His first nickname was the Crippler, earned after ‘breaking’ Sabu’s neck. Being Canadian he was later called the Wolverine, a name I could certainly get behind from my comic book perspective. He was a member of the Four Horsemen for years. He was a guy that I always thought should succeed based on his skill and was afraid he never would. A few years ago, at Wrestlemania XX, we all cheered as he won the Heavyweight Title. Eddie Guerrero, also a champion at the time, came out to celebrate with him. For a moment, all was right with the world.
Tonight’s RAW is the first I’ve watched since, well, since Eddie died. It’s all about Benoit, moments from his career, his friends speaking well of him and it fills me with joy and sadness all at the same time. A few matches ago I verbalized a Benoit cheer and it almost made me cry.
Chest chops. The Diving Headbutt. The Sharpshooter. The Thumb across the Throat taunt. The Crippler Crossface finisher.
Like I said, I remember met Chris Benoit. I can’t claim to have spent time with him or called him family or any of the things that would make his passing that much more real. I am a fan of his. And I miss him already.
Rest in peace Chris Benoit.
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