A Bedtime Story from Uncle Steve

All tucked in dere? Okay, tonight I’ll tell ya da story of Goldylocks and da Tree Bears. Tree. Yeah, Tree. Wun, Two, Tree. Got it? All right den.

Once upon a time dere were Tree Bears; a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear and a Baby Bear. Papa Bear liked to drink and would yell at Baby Bear dat he was an accident. When he would say dat, Baby Bear would cry and Mama Bear would slug Papa Bear. But he didn’t really mean it and mosta da time dey all got along just fine.

Every morning after making breakfast, da Bears would go for a walk. Papa Bear needed da exercise to work off his beer gut. Baby Bear needed the exercise ‘cause he had the childhood obesity from too much sittin’ ‘round playing video games and such. Mama Bear didn’t need the exercise so much but she knew if she didn’t go with ‘em that they wouldn’t actually go for the walk, they’d just get outta sight of the house, sit down and come back in a half-hour. So, off dey went.

While dey was gone, Goldylocks stumbled upon dere house. She wus out camping with a bunch of her friends and wus lookin’ for the bathroom. She’s onea dem gals that just can’t ‘go’ in the middle of the forest ‘cause she’s scared that a bug or an animal are gonna crawl into her nether regions while she’s takin’ care of business. Why woulda bug or an animal head upstream is what I don’t understand.

Now Goldy is onea dem broads that drinks so much that she passes out at parties and guys take advantage of the situation. She’s simple, got blond hair and a big rack so she attracts attention. At eight in the morning, she’s still drunk, that’s how drunk she gets. When she stumbles on the Bears house, she mistakes it for a Ranger station and in she goes.

Once da pressure is off, she realizes she’s hungry. She sees the Bears porridge sitting there cooling and heads for it. She tries Papa Bear’s porridge but he likes it with Tabasco sauce and it was too hot for her. She tries Mama Bear’s porridge but Mama Bear has a canker sore that the heat bothers so her’s was ice cold from the ice cubes in it so that was no good either. Baby Bear’s porridge had cooled off just right and she ate it up.

Now dat she ate, she got tired again and headed for the bedroom. Papa Bear’s bed was no good ‘cause he’s got a rock hard mattress ‘cause of the support he needs for his bad back. Mama Bear’s bed was all filled with pillows and junk so that was no good. She fell into Baby Bear’s bed and wus soon fast asleep.

Dat’s when da Bears come home. They walk in and immediately see da dere house has been invaded; dere’s toilet paper dragged from the bathroom to da kitchen, the breakfast is all messed up and dere’s a trail of knocked over furniture dat leads to the bedroom. When dey get dere, Goldy is still fast asleep. Baby Bear’s been crying dis ‘hole time ‘cause he’s scared and Mama Bear’s is all worked up ‘cause Baby Bear’s crying and Papa Bear’s mad ‘cause of all dis yelling. So he climbs up on the bed, bones Goldy to death and den dey eat her.

Da Moral of the Story is: If you drink so much dat you wander away from your friends dat are looking out for you, you might get screwed up so bad dat you die.

Night kids. I gotta cold Pabst waitin’ for me downstairs.