So, why now?

I spend a lot of time in my own head, bouncing around and trying to figure myself out. I don’t consider this time wasted because I’ve decided that the better I understand my own motivations, the more likely I am to understand someone else’s motivations. So, the better I understand myself, the better I can understand other people. So, when I do something and I can’t understand why, it does confuse me. I am comfortable with my ‘gut reactions’ to events and they have saved me more than not. Still, as a writer, I try to have motivations for characters so it seems weird to not have clear motivations for myself.

So, why did I turn down a free lunch on Wednesday?

It was pizza for our group at work, a ‘celebration’ of a job well done. It wasn’t for a specific achievement but was more of a general ‘thanks for staying on track’ sort of thing. I slipped in, listened to the thank you speech and slipped back out of the room, choosing to walk a couple laps around the parking lot rather than stay. I spent most of the time walking trying to decide why I was walking rather than eating. Was it the lack of accomplishment in the hour before the luncheon? The individual from another site that showed up just for the free lunch? The mishandling of the lunch order that made it late? Nothing stuck out. When I was asked what happened, I could do nothing but be honest. I don’t know.

Thursday, while at lunch ironically enough, I may have figured it out. Off handedly I said something about my blood sugar must have been low and that felt right. I was getting annoyed leading up to the lunch and it was late, although not as late as I often have lunch, it was scheduled for a specific time. Expectation and activity would have affected me. Also, as I started my walk, I slammed down a candy bar. Perhaps that is what made me feel better more than the walk.

Now I have motivation. Hooray!